Bruins get added fucked

If getting bounced early wasn’t bad enough for the black and gold, the hockey gods decided to double down and absolutely body-check us with the draft lottery.

That Carlo deal? At the time it looked like highway robbery—Frazier Minten and a 1st rounder as long as it wasn’t top 5. Basically a “thank you for your service, Toronto” type of trade.

Fast forward to lottery night…

The Maple Leafs stroll in with an 8.5% chance—basically the same odds as finding a Bruins fan complimenting the Canadiens—and somehow, SOME WAY, the ping pong balls start bouncing like they’ve got a Toronto zip code.

Meanwhile, their front office is in chaos, Auston Matthews is side-eyeing the exit door, and you’re thinking, “no way this franchise catches a break…”

BAM. Number one overall pick.

Of course they do.

So now it’s shaping up to be a long summer. Red Sox season better deliver, because right now Bruins fans are just sitting here trying to rinse the taste of pure hockey injustice out of their mouths.

But hey—look on the bright side:
Gold medal.
Undefeated in world wars.
Banner hangs forever.

Enjoy your lottery win, Toronto… we’ll see how long that honeymoon lasts.